In my life as a mother, sister, daughter and friend I have been inspired by the work of Dr. Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work as a shame researcher has revolutionized the way that many people think about their life and relationships. Dr. Brown has also inspired my work as a professional psychologist. In my leadership role on the Georgia Psychological Association Ethics Committee, I have spoken to my colleagues about the role of shame in confronting mistakes we make as professionals and managing ethical dilemmas with vulnerability, humility, and courage. I have helped my clients dealing with the pain of relationship difficulties, the heavy grip of depression, and the exhausting battle with perfectionism and OCD acknowledge the role of shame in their own lives. Increasingly, in my practice as a psychologist working with divorcing and coparenting couples, I have become aware of how deeply the pain and shame of divorce impacts parents’ ability to heal from their past and build a successful coparenting relationship for their children’s sake.
Dr. Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” After divorce, this can sound like:
• “I failed my family.”
• “I’m a bad parent.”
• “People must be judging me.”
• “This isn’t who I was supposed to be.”
And here’s the truth: when we don’t deal with shame, it deals with us — often showing up in our coparenting relationship in quiet but powerful ways.
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Shame in Action: How It Affects Coparenting
Shame rarely announces itself directly. As Brené Brown says, shame loves secrecy, silence, and judgment. Instead, it hides behind patterns like:
• Overcompensating: Trying to be the “perfect parent” to redeem yourself — often sidelining your co-parent in the process.
“When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun.” — Brené Brown
• Gatekeeping: Feeling like only you can parent correctly, because you’re trying to regain control or prove worth.
Shame often leads us to “armor up,” creating distance instead of connection.
• Blame and defensiveness: If shame says “I’m not enough,” blame lets you say, “It’s all their fault.” It feels safer — but it’s a barrier to productive coparenting.
• Withdrawing: Avoiding conflict, hard conversations, or shared decision-making because you don’t feel confident in your role.
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How Shame Affects Your Kids
Kids are sensitive to emotional undercurrents. When parents parent from a place of shame, kids may feel:
• Confused by inconsistent or anxious behavior
• Pressured to choose sides
• Like they are responsible for the emotional well-being of one or both parents
As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Who we are matters infinitely more than what we know or who we want to be.” Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need a present one — and that starts with working through the shame.
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Healing the Shame, Strengthening the Coparenting
So what can you do? As Brené teaches, the antidote to shame is empathy, vulnerability, and connection.
1. Name it to tame it.
Own the shame. Say it out loud — to a therapist, a coach, or a trusted friend. You don’t have to carry it alone.
2. Dare to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability isn’t weakness — it’s the key to courage. Try saying: “I’m struggling with feeling like I’ve failed, and I know it’s impacting how I coparent.”
3. Shift the inner narrative.
Replace “I’m a bad parent” with “I’m doing the best I can, and I’m learning.” Self-compassion is not optional — it’s essential.
4. Lead with curiosity, not criticism.
When you notice yourself reacting strongly to your co-parent, pause. Ask: “Is this about them — or is this about something I haven’t healed in me?”
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Final Thought
As Brené Brown reminds us, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
You are not your divorce. You are not your lowest moment. And you are not alone.
When you face shame with honesty and courage, you not only become a better coparent — you become a more whole version of yourself. And that’s the parent your child truly needs.