Blame it on my Catholic upbringing, frequently when I am sitting with parents in coparenting sessions, I find my mind drifting to the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
I am by no means a Christian counselor. But I find the core message of the Serenity Prayer to be inspiring and so applicable to the modern family context, particularly in families with parents who differ in core values systems and parenting practices. Indeed, the prayer’s core message – serenity, courage, and wisdom - is so incredibly relatable to the challenges that coparents face every day.
Prayer and mindfulness share many similarities as contemplative practices that promote inner awareness, emotional regulation, and stress reduction, which are essential skills for successful coparenting. Research shows that both regular prayer and mindfulness can lead to measurable improvements in cardiovascular health, mental and emotional well-being, and cognitive clarity. For example, a study published in The American Journal of Cardiology found that meditation-based interventions, including prayer, were associated with reduced blood pressure and improved heart rate variability—both indicators of cardiovascular health (Lehrer et al., 2020). Similarly, mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) programs have been linked to lower cortisol levels, enhanced emotional regulation, and increased gray matter density in brain regions associated with memory and self-awareness (Hölzel et al., 2011; Goyal et al., 2014).
Regular prayer has also been shown to foster feelings of peace, purpose, and connection, which can buffer against depression and anxiety. A systematic review by Anderson et al. (2019) noted that individuals who engage in spiritual practices like prayer report greater psychological resilience and emotional clarity. Whether secular or spiritual in nature, both prayer and mindfulness create space for intentional reflection, which can result in a calmer, more focused mind.
Mindfulness practices in coparenting can support coparents with emotional self-regulation and the ability to tolerate strong emotions in the presnece of their coparent, respond with their child in mind when they encounter a difficult coparenting situation, and generally channel intentionality and grace during coparenting interactions.
I have written and posted below a mindfulness adaptation of the Serenity Prayer that I offer to coparents to ground themselves when modern family (i.e., divorced) life gets hard. I hope that you will be able to draw on this exercise as a tool to ground you when things seem most difficult.
Serenity Meditation for Coparenting through High Conflict Divorce
Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Let your hands rest gently on your lap. Allow your breath to settle into a steady gentle rhythm.
Embrace serenity, the radical acceptance of what you cannot change
Say quietly to yourself:
“I accept what I cannot change. I release what is not mine to carry.”
Bring to mind the parts of your coparenting relationship that are outside your control – the choices your coparent makes, the way they engage with you, the people that they involve in your childrens lives, the past, the hurt they have caused you (and your children). With each exhale, imagine releasing resistance. Let go of the fight that is not yours to change.
Channel your courage, the ability to look inward and change the things that you can.
Say quietly to yourself: “I choose calm when chaos calls. I own my mistakes. I lead with grace, even when it is not returned.”
Gently turn your attention to what is within your power: your tone of voice, your facial expressions, making an effort to greet your coparent and engage with them in a way that is true to who you are, your boundaries, your responses, your presence with your child. Breathe into your strength, even if it feels small right now. You have the ability to choose love, respect, and steadiness – moment to moment. Bring honesty and forgiveness into your heart. Remember the ways that you too have contributed to conflict with your coparent, hurt your children by not honoring your coparent as they have needed, allowed your pain and anger with your coparent to cloud your judgment and give your child(ren) what they need or responded reactively when your coparent has triggered you. Forgive yourself for these mistakes and vow to not repeat them, if you can help it, for your children’s sake.
Lean in to Wisdom, your wise mind, that quiet place in your heart that just knows what is right
Say quietly to yourself: “I honor my limits. I act with intention.” What can you influence? What is not yours to fix or force? Visualize a boundary – not a wall, but a gentle line…a bridge…connecting you to your coparent and providing a safe space for your child to move back and forth between you in peace.
Place a hand over your heart. Feel the rhythm of your breathe, steady and strong. Feel your commitment to peace, not perfection, but growing together in trust just a little each day.
📚 References:
Anderson, J. W., et al. (2019). The efficacy of religious and spiritual interventions in mental health care: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 49(1), 16-29.
Goyal, M., et al. (2014). Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Internal Medicine, 174(3), 357–368.
Hölzel, B. K., et al. (2011). Mindfulness practice leads to increases in regional brain gray matter density. Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 191(1), 36–43.
Lehrer, P. M., et al. (2020). Heart rate variability biofeedback: Mechanisms and psychophysiological implications. The American Journal of Cardiology, 125(7), 1035–1040.