The Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Most Common Lies I See in Couples and Coparenting—and Why They Cause So Much Damage.

1/22/26

In my last ten years of work as a psychologist and coparenting and relationship expert one thing has become increasingly clear: deception is rarely about hiding a single fact. More often, it is about protecting an identity, avoiding shame, or holding onto a sense of control when someone feels overwhelmed, threatened, or emotionally exposed.

The lies that cause the most harm in families are not always dramatic or easy to spot. They are often subtle, persistent, and psychologically exhausting—quietly eroding trust, stability, and emotional safety over time.

One of the most destabilizing patterns I see is what I think of as living a double life. This can involve secret romantic relationships, parallel households, hidden financial or social identities, or entire versions of oneself that sharply contradict the image presented to a partner or coparent. Maintaining separate realities requires enormous emotional energy. Eventually, the deception itself becomes a chronic source of stress, distance, and relational breakdown.

Financial deception is another frequent rupture point. Hidden debt, secret accounts, gambling losses, or misrepresented income often surface during separation or coparenting negotiations. These lies cut especially deep because they undermine basic safety and predictability—two things families, and particularly children, rely on to feel secure.

In parenting relationships, deception often looks less like outright lying and more like distorted narratives. Parents may exaggerate their involvement, misrepresent school or medical follow-through, present skewed stories to their children, or claim alignment with parenting agreements they are not actually honoring. In many cases, these distortions are driven not by malice, but by fear—fear of being judged, replaced, or seen as the “less competent” parent.

I also frequently see minimization around substance use or behavioral addictions, including alcohol, drugs, pornography, or gaming. Individuals may appear functional on the surface while expending tremendous effort to conceal the scope of the problem. Partners and children are left living with confusion, inconsistency, and emotional unpredictability.

When Parenting Narratives Become Rigid and Harmful

One of the most concerning dynamics in coparenting involves encapsulated beliefs about the other parent—particularly when one parent becomes convinced that the coparent is emotionally abusive or harmful to the child, despite limited or inconsistent evidence. These beliefs are often emotionally charged and tightly held, even when the parent otherwise functions well in many areas of life.

In these situations, a parent may unconsciously conflate their own painful experiences with their ex—betrayal, abandonment, emotional injury—with the child’s actual relationship with that parent. The child’s experience becomes filtered through unresolved adult trauma. Ordinary parenting missteps, moments of frustration, or imperfect communication are interpreted as proof of emotional harm rather than part of normal relational strain.

This dynamic becomes especially damaging in resist–refuse patterns, where children resist or refuse contact with one parent for reasons that are vague, disproportionate, or developmentally implausible. While genuine ruptures and safety concerns absolutely exist and must always be taken seriously, what I often see is an overreaction that leaves no room for repair. The narrative hardens into this parent is unsafe, rather than this relationship is strained and needs support.

Children caught in these dynamics carry a heavy psychological burden. They may feel pressure—spoken or unspoken—to align with one parent, reject parts of themselves connected to the other parent, or adopt adult interpretations of conflict they cannot fully process. Over time, this interferes with emotional development, identity formation, and the capacity to tolerate complexity in relationships.

At the family level, rigid narratives shut down collaboration, escalate conflict, and often intensify the very harm they are meant to prevent.

Why People Construct and Maintain Long-Term Lies

Long-term deception is usually driven by identity protection, not convenience. Many individuals who sustain elaborate lies are trying to preserve a version of themselves that feels safer, more acceptable, or more lovable than the truth they fear will lead to rejection.

Low self-esteem, shame sensitivity, and a powerful need for approval often play central roles. For some, maintaining the lie becomes psychologically necessary. It is no longer simply a choice—it is a coping strategy that keeps anxiety, grief, or emotional collapse at bay.

How Cognitive Dissonance Keeps Lies Alive

Once someone has invested significant emotional energy in a lie, cognitive dissonance begins to do the heavy lifting. The mind reduces discomfort by rationalizing behavior, selectively remembering events, or reframing reality to fit the existing narrative.

Over time, the line between intentional deception and genuine belief can blur. What began as a lie to avoid consequences can slowly transform into a story the person sincerely believes. Admitting the truth would require dismantling a psychological structure that has come to feel essential for survival.

When Lying Persists Despite Clear Consequences

When people continue deceiving even as relationships, finances, or parenting roles deteriorate, it often reflects deeper coping mechanisms rather than situational stress alone. Rigid defenses, chronic avoidance of shame, and fear-driven thinking can keep deception firmly in place.

That said, not all persistent lying reflects a diagnosable disorder. High-conflict separations, fear of legal or social consequences, and environments that reward appearances over accountability can all reinforce deception. The clearest warning sign is inflexibility—an inability to tolerate nuance, accountability, or repair even when the cost is high.

A Final Thought

The most damaging lies in families are rarely about a single hidden truth. They are about protecting identity, avoiding shame, and managing fear—often at the expense of trust, repair, and children’s well-being.

In some cases, parents may cling to rigid or even delusional narratives about their coparent to avoid facing the grief, fear, and shame that often accompany the loss of the family they imagined for their children. But when deception replaces curiosity and accountability, families do not just lose honesty—they lose the flexibility required to heal.